Judgement

Measured

I hate ending the year with this sick feeling of guilt in the pit of my stomach.

I've expressed this sentiment exactly a year ago when I moved out of the house and left my mother back home with just my two brothers and a teenager cousin (also a boy).

An hour ago, before this shift started I called home to remind my mom that Boa and I will celebrate New Year's with them later and our surprisingly, our usually busy house was so quiet. It turns out that my brothers were out for the day and my cousin went to Bulacan for the New Year.

For some reason, when mom said that she's all alone, I was indignant and mad at my brothers for leaving her like that on New Year's Eve...which minutes later I realized is a projection of my own anger to myself for not being there to help her.

What kind of a daughter am I?

What am I doing wasting time away from my mother? Nobody's getting any younger. I should cherish every moment that I will spend with her.

I don't know if I should be thinking this with the New Year dawning soon..the guilt is just so much to take.

I wil make up for all those lost times...I will. (I actually started crying after writing this).

The Gender Genie

The Gender Genie

You can find your own results at Gender Genie

Eto lang masasabi ko: Babae po ako!

Cutthroat

Cutthroat

Dear friend, I know you've develop a strong and intense repugnance for happy couples right now. But don't you worry. Maybe soon you'll realize that sometimes, you only need YOU to make YOUrself happy.

Or complete even.

Flicker (Up Dharma Down)

Flicker (Up Dharma Down)

I wish I could get the lyrics for this song...

Turning My Safety Off

TURNING MY SAFETY OFF (SINO SIKAT?)
Words by: Nick Azarcon

I’m turning my safety off
I’m ready to talk to you
Alone

A kiss, a hug, another drink
Puts me right back to
Denial of persistent memory

I’m watching you
Make a fool of you
Over and over again

You can leave the fire open
It’s not dying anyway
It’s not dying anyway
It’s not dying anyway

I’m turning my safety off
Unclasping my guarded moments
For you

Nothing here is apropos
And I’m crying out to saints and sinners alike
I’m giving you all the soul I’ve got
Again and again and again

You can leave the fire open
It’s not dying anyway
It’s not dying anyway
It’s not dying anyway

You can leave the memory open
It’s not dying anyway
It’s not dying anyway
It’s not dying anyway

I’m turning my safety off
I’m ready to fall in love with you
Over & over & over again

Happy Holidays!

Happy Holidays!

It's good to be home.

There's nothing like hating the holidays with your family by your side.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everybody!

For My Animus

For My Animus

I threw back my head for him
And he loved my throat
And brushed the tips of my breasts
And caressed my whole body,
Making me giddy with the sense of myself
And of the space about me
That was my lover.
-"Makeshift," Laura Riding

I know you're not big on words, and despite that, I appreciate the honesty of what you're trying to say inspite of your silence.

Actions do speak louder than words.

I hear you better now. More clearly than before.

If I have ever misjudged you before, I know better now. You had to understand where I was coming from. I never had any long term expectations for us. I've resigned myself to the fact that like any other trysts, this tango will end sooner or later.

Apparently, I was wrong. When you asked me If I was happy, I was telling the truth.

Oh I know we'll fight.

Maybe I won't be able to control my irrational fits of jealousy, or how I would not be able to stop thinking that you're just there for the free lay. Maybe you'll walk out on me, or say hurtful things in return. Maybe you'll do the things I'm always accusing you of or maybe you really are as faithful as you say.

But right now, contentment is when you wrap your arms around me.

I feel safe.

Gifts, please!

Xmas Stocking

leave a gift for chelli_vanelli your username: your gift: (30 characters or less) get your stocking

Time goes by...so slowly

Stolen from Jhamie

Four Jobs I've Had In My Life
1. Substitute Teacher for 1st and 2nd year highschool
2. call center agent
3. music writer
4. pornographer-photographer

Four Films I Can Watch Over And Over
1. The Hours
2. Amelie (me too!)
3. The Virgin Suicides
4. The Wedding Singer

Four Places I Have Lived
1. Makati
2. Valenzuela
3. Antipolo
4. Bahay ni Monet

Four TV Programs I Love To Watch
1. CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
2. House
3. Ally McBeal
4. Scrubs

Four Places I Would Have Visited, Had I Had The Money
1. New Zealand
2. NYC
3. Moscow, Russia
4. Paris

Four Websites I Visit Daily
1. hollywoodrag.com
2. popsugar.com
3. Wikipedia
4. spltmlk.blogspot.com

Four Of My Favorite Foods
1. cheese
2. pasta
3. shrimp
4. super-salty potaty chips

Four Places I Would Rather Be
1. Home is where the heart is
2. Pagudpod
3. Subic Bay freeport
4. Antipolo

***

01. Song playing at the moment?
- La La Means I Love You (Swing Out Sister)

02. One reason for living?
- I still haven't found what I'm looking for

03. Ever donated blood?
- I wish.

04. Brand and model of your latest pair of shoes?
- It's a really cute denim high heels from VNC

05. Fave color(s)?
- blue.

06. Accessories you usually wear?
- none.

07. One song to describe a heartbreak in the past?
- "I Can't Make You Love Me" Bonnie Raitt

08. Last place you went?
- Henlin, Corporate Center

09. Last person/s you went out with?
- IT Maynard, sa Henlin

10. The most boring sport?
- baseball and chess

11. Ever had a baby?
- Meron. He's 300lbs. hehe.

12. Last movie you've seen?
- Borat. Hehe! Sexy time!

13. Any piercings or tattoo?
- Nagsara na eh.

14. The most romantic gift you ever gave to a person of the opposite sex?
- Wala pa naman.

15. Ever acted on stage before?
- Not really.

16. Struck by lightning before?
- Yep. Hehe.

17. Danced with your loved one before?
- Yes naman.

18. Ever wished you could turn back time?
- I try not to. Magagalit si Sartre.

19. What would you do if you woke up one day to find yourself to be someone from the opposite sex?
- Okay lang. Doesn't matter. On the other hand, it could be exciting.

20. One song that's meaningful to you?
- "A Sorta Fairy Tale" Tori Amos

21. Last person/s you met for the first time?
- the last batch of trainees that I certified a couple of hours ago

22. What will you be doing tomorrow?
- Go to work.

New Look

New Look The new and improved Spiltmilk. See what I can do when I've got time on my hands?

Posh

Last Saturday was our company's Christmas party. Try as I might, I really could not muster or generate any semblance of interest in attending the event. Which is just as well. After shift, I went there to find that that party was like the Prom that never happened in my highschool. And yes, I did look like basura in my jeans and tank top (That's Sharon stone in a black Gap shirt, Oscar 1996) amidst the glitter and glamour of my officemates who really went all out for the event. Thank goodness for my buddies jhamie and jay who were the designated papparazzi of the night in accordance to the Oscar's Night theme. I've sort of managed to blend in. Anyway, I was only there for less than an hour and there was a post-party party at Hard Rock afterwards which was all expense paid. But I ditched it to hang with the papparazzos at Starbucks instead. We just mulled about Jay's recent love debacle over hot, venti peppermint mocha. (Jhamie, how was your Gingerbread Latte aka treebark shavings on hotwater?)

Jay had to leave as duty calls, and after finishing our drink Jhamie and I left as well.

She slept over and we catched up on things as we haven't seen each other for quite a while.

- - -

Crazy weather. But I like it. If I had my way, I'd ditch work, curl up in my bed, and read the stacks of book I've left rotting in my box while covered in blanket, neck-to-toe.

- - -

That was one of the tightest handgrips I've had. Joi was getting her tattoo while this shot was taken. Next week, it'll be me.

Whee!

This bit of photo was taken by jhamie during the MTV Aids Summitt a few days back.

Can you believe we've been seeing each other for about ten(nine) months now?

=p

Office Memo

I'm really tempted to write something about this, since I know one officemate reads my blog every now and then, so once I post this entry word would surely get around.

But I think I'd rather can it.

I'm just following my supervisor's orders. I'll do my job. I'll do what I'm supposed to do and what I'm asked to do and if others would see that as something else or they perceive it as a threat for their promotion, I DO NOT GIVE A DAMN.

There.

Have a Merry Christmas All!