Monday, June 25, 2007

Wedding Jitters

Feh. I'd say the hell with it. I don't need that grand wedding. I'm a medium-rare Monica Geller when it comes to planning, but I just don't want to waste what little money we have saved for a 'party.' Even if it is our own wedding. I never even bothered to celebrate my 18th birthday.

A few weeks ago, I think I suffered from what they call pre-wedding jitters. Sure, it was all exciting to talk about it with girlfriends...deciding the entourage...arguing about the themes and motiff..scouring the web for the ultimate wedding resources. We've even gone to a food tasting or two trying to decide on a caterer.

When suddenly, I started to feel constricted whenever I see pristine, white wedding gowns. When I imagine myself walk down the aisle, I literally feel the old ball and chain clanging and banging ominously behind me. The excitement was gone. The ambivalence kicked back in. Forever seems like a very long time. We have only been together for roughly a year and some months.

I still get horribly insecure sometimes.

And we just can't, can't, can't break away form this financial struggle that we have both gotten ourselves into. Pointing fingers seems so easy. The guilt was admitted. In the end, no matter how hard it was, it's both our lives together now. I guess Ardee was right when he said how lucky I am that I got to experience these things with someone, and somehow emerge stronger and better.


Many nights we just sit down on the cold hard stone steps, exchanging sips of 22oz Gulp. Sometimes talking, sometimes not. I'd watch him puff his cigarettes and sometimes I really wish he'd quit. But then I won't bother because we still have our whole lifetime to battle that one out. We'd sip hot macaroni soup from Jollibee at wee hours. We talk a lot. But we do run out of things to say and when it happens, we enjoy the silence. We think of dogs running around in our apartment. Naked ______ (we're still negotiating the day but I'm partial to Thursday). Huge breakfast every Saturday morning. Boring for some, exciting for us. But it is so enough. I would not want anything else.

Screw the big wedding. Really. I've got everything that I will ever need.

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