Judgement

Measured

I hate ending the year with this sick feeling of guilt in the pit of my stomach.

I've expressed this sentiment exactly a year ago when I moved out of the house and left my mother back home with just my two brothers and a teenager cousin (also a boy).

An hour ago, before this shift started I called home to remind my mom that Boa and I will celebrate New Year's with them later and our surprisingly, our usually busy house was so quiet. It turns out that my brothers were out for the day and my cousin went to Bulacan for the New Year.

For some reason, when mom said that she's all alone, I was indignant and mad at my brothers for leaving her like that on New Year's Eve...which minutes later I realized is a projection of my own anger to myself for not being there to help her.

What kind of a daughter am I?

What am I doing wasting time away from my mother? Nobody's getting any younger. I should cherish every moment that I will spend with her.

I don't know if I should be thinking this with the New Year dawning soon..the guilt is just so much to take.

I wil make up for all those lost times...I will. (I actually started crying after writing this).

The Gender Genie

The Gender Genie

You can find your own results at Gender Genie

Eto lang masasabi ko: Babae po ako!

Cutthroat

Cutthroat

Dear friend, I know you've develop a strong and intense repugnance for happy couples right now. But don't you worry. Maybe soon you'll realize that sometimes, you only need YOU to make YOUrself happy.

Or complete even.

Flicker (Up Dharma Down)

Flicker (Up Dharma Down)

I wish I could get the lyrics for this song...

Turning My Safety Off

TURNING MY SAFETY OFF (SINO SIKAT?)
Words by: Nick Azarcon

I’m turning my safety off
I’m ready to talk to you
Alone

A kiss, a hug, another drink
Puts me right back to
Denial of persistent memory

I’m watching you
Make a fool of you
Over and over again

You can leave the fire open
It’s not dying anyway
It’s not dying anyway
It’s not dying anyway

I’m turning my safety off
Unclasping my guarded moments
For you

Nothing here is apropos
And I’m crying out to saints and sinners alike
I’m giving you all the soul I’ve got
Again and again and again

You can leave the fire open
It’s not dying anyway
It’s not dying anyway
It’s not dying anyway

You can leave the memory open
It’s not dying anyway
It’s not dying anyway
It’s not dying anyway

I’m turning my safety off
I’m ready to fall in love with you
Over & over & over again

Happy Holidays!

Happy Holidays!

It's good to be home.

There's nothing like hating the holidays with your family by your side.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everybody!

For My Animus

For My Animus

I threw back my head for him
And he loved my throat
And brushed the tips of my breasts
And caressed my whole body,
Making me giddy with the sense of myself
And of the space about me
That was my lover.
-"Makeshift," Laura Riding

I know you're not big on words, and despite that, I appreciate the honesty of what you're trying to say inspite of your silence.

Actions do speak louder than words.

I hear you better now. More clearly than before.

If I have ever misjudged you before, I know better now. You had to understand where I was coming from. I never had any long term expectations for us. I've resigned myself to the fact that like any other trysts, this tango will end sooner or later.

Apparently, I was wrong. When you asked me If I was happy, I was telling the truth.

Oh I know we'll fight.

Maybe I won't be able to control my irrational fits of jealousy, or how I would not be able to stop thinking that you're just there for the free lay. Maybe you'll walk out on me, or say hurtful things in return. Maybe you'll do the things I'm always accusing you of or maybe you really are as faithful as you say.

But right now, contentment is when you wrap your arms around me.

I feel safe.

Gifts, please!

Xmas Stocking

leave a gift for chelli_vanelli your username: your gift: (30 characters or less) get your stocking

Time goes by...so slowly

Stolen from Jhamie

Four Jobs I've Had In My Life
1. Substitute Teacher for 1st and 2nd year highschool
2. call center agent
3. music writer
4. pornographer-photographer

Four Films I Can Watch Over And Over
1. The Hours
2. Amelie (me too!)
3. The Virgin Suicides
4. The Wedding Singer

Four Places I Have Lived
1. Makati
2. Valenzuela
3. Antipolo
4. Bahay ni Monet

Four TV Programs I Love To Watch
1. CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
2. House
3. Ally McBeal
4. Scrubs

Four Places I Would Have Visited, Had I Had The Money
1. New Zealand
2. NYC
3. Moscow, Russia
4. Paris

Four Websites I Visit Daily
1. hollywoodrag.com
2. popsugar.com
3. Wikipedia
4. spltmlk.blogspot.com

Four Of My Favorite Foods
1. cheese
2. pasta
3. shrimp
4. super-salty potaty chips

Four Places I Would Rather Be
1. Home is where the heart is
2. Pagudpod
3. Subic Bay freeport
4. Antipolo

***

01. Song playing at the moment?
- La La Means I Love You (Swing Out Sister)

02. One reason for living?
- I still haven't found what I'm looking for

03. Ever donated blood?
- I wish.

04. Brand and model of your latest pair of shoes?
- It's a really cute denim high heels from VNC

05. Fave color(s)?
- blue.

06. Accessories you usually wear?
- none.

07. One song to describe a heartbreak in the past?
- "I Can't Make You Love Me" Bonnie Raitt

08. Last place you went?
- Henlin, Corporate Center

09. Last person/s you went out with?
- IT Maynard, sa Henlin

10. The most boring sport?
- baseball and chess

11. Ever had a baby?
- Meron. He's 300lbs. hehe.

12. Last movie you've seen?
- Borat. Hehe! Sexy time!

13. Any piercings or tattoo?
- Nagsara na eh.

14. The most romantic gift you ever gave to a person of the opposite sex?
- Wala pa naman.

15. Ever acted on stage before?
- Not really.

16. Struck by lightning before?
- Yep. Hehe.

17. Danced with your loved one before?
- Yes naman.

18. Ever wished you could turn back time?
- I try not to. Magagalit si Sartre.

19. What would you do if you woke up one day to find yourself to be someone from the opposite sex?
- Okay lang. Doesn't matter. On the other hand, it could be exciting.

20. One song that's meaningful to you?
- "A Sorta Fairy Tale" Tori Amos

21. Last person/s you met for the first time?
- the last batch of trainees that I certified a couple of hours ago

22. What will you be doing tomorrow?
- Go to work.

New Look

New Look The new and improved Spiltmilk. See what I can do when I've got time on my hands?

Posh

Last Saturday was our company's Christmas party. Try as I might, I really could not muster or generate any semblance of interest in attending the event. Which is just as well. After shift, I went there to find that that party was like the Prom that never happened in my highschool. And yes, I did look like basura in my jeans and tank top (That's Sharon stone in a black Gap shirt, Oscar 1996) amidst the glitter and glamour of my officemates who really went all out for the event. Thank goodness for my buddies jhamie and jay who were the designated papparazzi of the night in accordance to the Oscar's Night theme. I've sort of managed to blend in. Anyway, I was only there for less than an hour and there was a post-party party at Hard Rock afterwards which was all expense paid. But I ditched it to hang with the papparazzos at Starbucks instead. We just mulled about Jay's recent love debacle over hot, venti peppermint mocha. (Jhamie, how was your Gingerbread Latte aka treebark shavings on hotwater?)

Jay had to leave as duty calls, and after finishing our drink Jhamie and I left as well.

She slept over and we catched up on things as we haven't seen each other for quite a while.

- - -

Crazy weather. But I like it. If I had my way, I'd ditch work, curl up in my bed, and read the stacks of book I've left rotting in my box while covered in blanket, neck-to-toe.

- - -

That was one of the tightest handgrips I've had. Joi was getting her tattoo while this shot was taken. Next week, it'll be me.

Whee!

This bit of photo was taken by jhamie during the MTV Aids Summitt a few days back.

Can you believe we've been seeing each other for about ten(nine) months now?

=p

Office Memo

I'm really tempted to write something about this, since I know one officemate reads my blog every now and then, so once I post this entry word would surely get around.

But I think I'd rather can it.

I'm just following my supervisor's orders. I'll do my job. I'll do what I'm supposed to do and what I'm asked to do and if others would see that as something else or they perceive it as a threat for their promotion, I DO NOT GIVE A DAMN.

There.

Have a Merry Christmas All!

Resurfacing

There's nothing like a seven day vacation leave from work to make me realize that I'm contemplating of resigning and switching to a more fulfilling job.

Hehe. Not again.

And I'm only kidding.

Despite the monotony, I love my job.

But of course, I need a break every now and then to keep myself from burning out, hence, the seven day leave.

With the new year dawning I'm finding a lot of things that I'm actually looking forward to.

And with this year ending, there were a lot of things and persons that I'm thankful for.

- - -

Alive

I'll be back. soon.

what i like

a poem by e. e. cummings

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like,, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh....And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you quite so new

I WANT THIS!

"Spring Snow" was my favorite "Sea of Fertility Tetralogy" by Yukio Mishima. I didn't know that they had it made into a movie starring the guys from Waterboys and Battle Royale as the lead characters! It's $47.50 dollars at Play-Asia....Waah! It'll be the best Christmas present. (wink! wink!)

Satoshi Tsumabuki as Kiyoaki Matsugae

Sosuke Takaoka as Shigekuni Honda

Undercurrent

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no diaster.

(Elizabeth Bishop, "One Art")

Everything seems to be okay right now. The doubts had subsided, somehow. But I'm still wary. Everything could still be taken away from me. I don't want to be caught off guard. I'll hang on as long as I could. As long as I'm able.

I'll hold you. Still.

In Too Deep (Genesis)

All the time I was searching
Nowhere to run to
It started me thinking
Wondering what I could make of my life
And who'd be waiting
Asking all kinds of questions to myself
But never finding the answers
Crying at the top of my voice
But no-one listening

All this time
I still remember everything you said
There's so much you promised
How could I ever forget

Listen
You know I love you but I just can't take this
You know I love you but I'm playing for keeps
Although I need you I'm not gonna make this
You know I want to but I'm in too deep

So listen, listen to me
Oh you must believe me
I can feel your eyes go thru me
But I don't know why

Oh I know you're going
But I can't believe
It's the way that you're leaving
It's like we never knew each other at all
It may be my fault
I gave you too many reasons for being alone
When I didn't want to
I thought you'd always be there
I almost believed you

All this time
I still remember everything you said
There's so much you promised
How could I ever forget

Listen
You know I love you...

So listen, listen to me
I can feel your eyes go thru me

It seems I've spent too long
Only thinking about myself
Now I want to spend my life
Just caring bout somebody else

Listen
You know I love you...

I Hate You

Nothing more left to say. For now.

Little Pyscho Girl...You Need Help.

Hey, you psycho. Yeah, YOU. Try spreading your poison someplace else and see if anybody will still believe YOU. YOU are so sick. Go get yourself a psychiatrist. 09204727727? We all know who YOU are. YOU poor little psycho girl.

I am grateful

This past few weeks had really been stressful for me..financially, that is. I was doing okay, then suddenly I found myself shelling out money more than I am able to save some.

But things are getting better now.

So thanks to my friends. For listening and being there and making me laugh. Somehow it's enough.

My officemates, who had helped me...Robert in particular. The best ka talaga Papa Robert.

My mom, for helping me stay afloat while nagging me at the same time.

My bro's gf, Loresh who made it possible for me not to get evicted. =p.

And my sweet bottom (hehe) Boa for the reassurances and support throughout all this.

Really. I'm getting all choked up just writing about how lucky I am that I have all of Y O U.

Turning My Safety Off (Sino SiKat)

I love the song.

I Love Ally McBeal!

Baby Don't You Break My Heart Slow
(Vonda Shephard and Emily Saliers)



I like the way you wanted me
Every night for so long baby
I like the way you needed me
Every time things got rocky

I was believing in you
Am I mistaken do you say,
Do you say what you mean
I want our love to last forever

But I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow

I like the way you'd hold me
Every night for so long baby
And I like the way you'd say my name
In the middle of the night
While you were sleeping

I was believing in you
Was I mistaken
Do you mean, mean what you say
When you say our love could last forever

Well I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow


You would run around and lead me on forever
While I wait at home thinking that we're together
I wanted our love to last forever

Well I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow at least then I would know
But baby don't you break my heart slow

It's Never Too Late

Things I want to do before this year ends:

1. Read an entire book, while sitting on a cafe, alone. (inspired by Jessica Zafra)

2. Play soccer at Sikad.

3. Perform onstage. Kahit maliit na stage and audience lang. And since we're on the subject...

4. Tumalon sa gitna ng moshpit...because sometimes, I just want to die. Hehe.

5. Get out of Manila. Kahit 1 week lang. Read: Getaway.

6. Get my picture taken. Yung maganda talaga. With make up, and lighting and nice background and everything. Yung pwedeng pa-blow up ng 8"x10"

7. Give my mother something nice this Christmas..for a change.

8. Not be absent or late for a whole month.

9. Eat vegetable for a week.

10. Learn how to curse in 10 languages.

Thomasian Meme (i wanna go back..waah!)

got this from innocently_jaded

ANO'NG STUDENT NUMBER MO?
2000-001538

NAKAPASA KA BA OR WAITLISTED?
Pasa.

PANO MO NALAMAN ANG ENTRANCE EXAM RESULT?
Through the UST website

FIRST CHOICE MO BA ANG UST?
Yep. It's my only choice.

ALAM MO BA ANG USTET SCORE MO?
Hiningi ko ata sa guidance noon. Nakalimutan ko na. (ako rin)

ANO ANG FIRST CHOICE MO NA COURSE?
AB Political Science

SECOND CHOICE?
BS Civil Engineering (hehe, ambisyosa)

ANO COURSE NA NAPILI MO?
Literature (hihi.)

INISIP MO BANG MAG-SHIFT?
Hindi.

CHINITO/CHINITA KA BA?
Yata.

TAGA-UST High School KA BA?
Nope.

NAG-ENJOY KA BA SA RECOLLECTION?
ah...not really.

SAANG GATE KA PUMASOK NUNG FIRST DAY?
Dapitan gate.

NAKAPAG-DORM KA NA BA?
Summer of 2003

NAKA UNO KA NA BA?
Yep.

NAGKA-5?
Hehe. 2x. (Rational Psych at Spanish 2)

HIGHEST GRADE:
1.00

LOWEST:
5.00

WORST EXPERIENCE SA UST:
None that I can remember.

LAGI KA BANG PUMAPASOK SA KLASE?
Madalas akong pumasok. =p.

ANO'NG ORG MO?
1st-3rd year: ABFC, 3rd-4th year: UST Litsoc

MAY SCHOLARSHIP KA BA?
None.

NANGANGARAP KA BA NA MAG-CUM LAUDE?
For a minute or two, yeah, I did.

KELAN KA NAGTAPOS?
2004

FAVE TEACHER:
Sir Oca Campomanes, Ma'am Pasricha, Ma'am Pepin, Ma'am Suzy, Sir Lino Baron (si Cleopatra ang Serpent of the Nile!), Ma'am Tanlayco, Ma'am Cynthia Rivera

WORST TEACHER:
all my theology professors. ick.

FAVE SUBJECT:
Lit Theory and all the subjects I took under Sir Oca.

WORST SUBJECT:
All the math ones. Theology.

FAVE LANDMARK SA UST:
Central Library (3rd and 5th floor), Colayco, AB Pav/s, Tinoko park, UST Soccer field

BUILDING:
Library

PABORITONG KAINAN:
BRB, Merrie's, Lisa's, Almer's, Yung sisigan sa may Barlin street.

ESTUDYANTE BA ANG BINABAYAD MO SA JEEP?
Hindi eh.

LAGI KA BA SA LIB?
Yep, 3rd and 5th floor mostly. At sa internet section.

NAGPUNTA KA BA SA CLINIC NUNG MINSANG NAGKASAKIT KA?
Lagi akong nasa clinic, lalo na pag injured.

MAY CRUSH KA BA SA CAMPUS?
Madami. I'm not a pathological flirt for nothing. =p.

BF/GF?
Both. Ahahahahaha.

MAY BALAK KA BA MAG-MASTERS O MAG-PHD?
Sana.

ANU-ANO ANG MGA NAGING P.E. MO?
Excused ako. Hehe. Varsity perks.

KAMUSTA NAMAN ANG BLOCK NYO?
Okay lang. b5. HIndi ko sila masyadong ka-close. I was a mere shadow. Mas enjoy ako sa 3lit-4lit.

NAKAPANOOD KA NA BA NG GRADUATION SA UST?
My own graduation.

MEMORIZE MO BA ANG ALMA MATER SONG?
First and last few lines...ng chorus.

MEMBER KA BA NG UST VARSITY TEAM?
=p

SINO ANG PABORITO MONG UAAP BASKETBALL PLAYER?
Si Dale Singson.

NAKA-PERFECT KA NA BA NG EXAM?
Meron naman ata.

ANO'NG AYAW MO SA FINALS WEEK?
Pag hindi ako nakapag-aral.

DITO KA BA NATUTONG UMINOM NG BEER?
Marunong nakong uminom..pero marami pa rin akong natutunan. Hehe. Tulad ng pagsuka sa ice bucket.

DITO KA BA NA-DEVIRGINIZE?
hinde. period.

ANO'NG GUSTO MO SA UST?
cheap eating places, its history, the people.

ANO'NG AYAW MO?
pag umuulan.

BUMILI KA NA BA SA SHOP SA SPORTS COMPLEX?
P.E. uniform

MAGANDA BA ID PIC MO?
Keri.

MAY GINAWA KA NA BANG ILLEGAL SA LOOB NG CAMPUS?
Matulog sa bench? Hehe.

Recluse

The one thing that we yearn for in our living days,
that makes us sigh and groan and undergo sweet nauseas of all kinds,
is the remembrance of some lost bliss
that was probably experienced in the womb
and can only be reproduced (though we hate to admit it)
in death.
-Jack Kerouac "On The Road"

I posited myself four two whole days in the four-walled enclosure that I've been calling home for the past 10 months. It's not as if I planned to. I had plans that fell through and I had places that I didn't feel like going to at the last minute.

I just watched Alias on DVD, one episode after the other.

There were people that dropped by which forced me to go out and forage for food and when they left I continued watching Alias.

I watched and waited.

And waiting is an agony on its own.

And to be with him means I would have to get used to waiting while treacherous ghosts and pangs of irrational jealousy danced cruelly in my head.

I don't want it to be that way.

I don't want to get used to his embrace only to feel suffocated once I'm given the space.

There must be something that I can still claim for myself.

Bravado

Who's getting scared?

I am.

Didn't really think it would come to this.

Infinity (Merrick)

I love Grey's Anatomy...this song was featured in the ep "Deny, Deny, Deny"...to listen to the song, search for the song here

We are all like astronauts
Discovery, infinity
Take my empty body
And discover me, infinity
Forgive the endless longing
So it's crazy you and crazy me

I am
I am
I am
I am
I am infinity

We are all like astronauts
The little prince I want to please
Nevermind your habits absolutely
You encourage me
Forgive the endless longing
So it's crazy you, crazy me

I am
I am
I am
I am
I am infinity

Doesn't matter anyway
He is longing anyhow
Doesn't matter anyway
He is longing anyhow

We're wasting up our lips
They're interlocking, we are centipedes
Take this to the floor
It's interstellar with our blue-black needs
Forgive the endless longing
So it's crazy you, crazy me

I am
I am
I am
I am
I am infinity

Doesn't matter anyway
He is longing anyhow

One For School Pride!

Everything has already been said but I'll say it once again:

UST Growling Tigers rock!

I've always been a proud Thomasian, it never waivered even though the basketball team had its losing streak (there's more to being a Thomasian than basketball, you see), but I'm prouder than I've ever been right now.

Thanks to my boy Boa for the every second update that he gave during Game 3. (lablab kita! =p)

And to those fellow Thomasian at USTExchange for their tireless updates as well.

United we stand, eh?

Went back last night and saw the architectural changes.

Can't say that I'm happy with it. Then again, it's beyond my control.

There's one thing that I liked though, the huge screen at Espana street that shouts: "Welcome to UST, the Home of the Growling Tigers."

Wow. Just wow.

Torrents

It's raining really hard. They said.

I haven't peeked out the window yet.

Somebody said that there is a big storm coming up.

I heard somebody said that a certain bank had already declared suspension for the day.

Oh, let it rain.

I'm really looking forward into curling up in my bed with the comforter wrapped around me.

It's been awhile since I traced raindrops on my window pane.

I am welcoming this solitude. After all this time, a little time alone wouldn't be so bad.

But I'm still looking forward to Lea's bash on Saturday. I hope it had stopped raining by then.

But for now, yeah, let it rain.

- - -

Somebody said in his blog that God is an Atenean because they won Game 1 last Sunday.

UST's loss was really heartbreaking but the series is not yet over. =p. So we'll see, right?

This Is My World (Darius Rucker) from the Shallow Hal OST

The look on your face
It could never explain your heart
And the touch of my lips
They could never tell you my thoughts
And you want me to change
(I can't get used to)
But I can't get used to
All you want me to be
I just can't pretend
(to be anyone else)
To be anyone else
Cause its not really me

This is my world.. this is who I am
And I'm not gonna give up myself
To make your life better
She said 'this is how it is
I got my own life to live
And you can either accept me
Or baby let me go'

And this love that we share
And we can withstand all the obstacles
That life brings forth
And I will receive you for who you are
Who you were
And baby who you will be
But you want me to change
(I can't get used to)
Still I can't get used to
All you want me to be
And I just can't pretend
(to be anyone else)
To be anyone else, oh
Cause its not really me....

This is my world.. this is who I am
And I'm not gonna give up myself
To make your life better
She said 'this is how it is
I got my own life to live
And you can either accept me
Or baby this is my world

And I'm not tryin to give up myself
to make your life better
She said, 'this is how (it is)
I got my own life to live
and you can either accept me
or baby let me go'

You said I promise you the stars
and I'm giving you all I can
Now you say love is not enough
and I know (and I know)
You will see (you will see)
If your life turns around
in my heart
There is room for you,
With me and my world...

This is who I am
and I'm not tryin to give up myself
to make your life better
she said, 'this is how (it is)
i got my life (life to live)
and you can either accept me' or
baby this is my world
(this is) who i am
and im not tryin to give up myself
to make your life better
(she said) this is how it is
and i got my life
and you can either accept me or baby let me go...

And this is my world...
this is my world
My world
Baby let me go
Ooh, this is who I am
Where I am
I got my own life to live
ooh
This is my world
I'm not tryin to change you
This is who I am

Erratum

Yeah, the 2006 Muziklaban winner was HardBoiledEggz. I just didn't acknowledged/changed it due to sheer laziness but don't worry I got it right on my article. That's on the Rocknation October Issue. =p.

Sorry about that.

Addict

And what do I do. I sit beside you and turn the pages.
Diminuendo then sudden fortissimo—
I know where I am in the world by loudness alone.

-Robert Kelley, "Mapping"

My life feels more chaotic than usual. I am ineffectually trying to please everybody and I'm failing miserably. Or maybe, it's actually because I'm focusing more on pleasing the people around me that I forgot that the "I" exists.

Fools think they can have it all. I did.

I love my friends, I love my guy, I love my family and somewhere in between these three, my love for my work/s exist as well.

But to find time for all of these without sacrificing something or someone is an awfully hard enterprise.

I will do something for myself, by myself...soon.

Before I self-destruct again.

And yes, consuming alcohol will not make it easier.

But its hard to stay away from it.

Somebody call AA.

POSTSCRIPT:

Here's my horoscope for the day as per Yahoo! Astrology:

"Don't get so caught up in giving that you cut yourself off from your own feelings. The problem is that self-sacrifice can be gratifying in so many ways -- so much so that you risk making it an unhealthy habit."

Filth

For those people who stayed home last Saturday, I envy you. We should've stayed home and watched cartoons instead.

Where were we last Saturday night?

Somewhere in PICC, sloshing through the rains and getting our shoes soaked in mud.

Yeah, soaked in mud. My gray, Converse sneakers that I've never washed in its entire existence is now caked with dried mud.

And why were we there in the first place? Muziklaban 2006, that's why.

One of the worst events I've attended this year.

The organizers should have prepared the venue for weather mishaps such as what happened last Saturday.

We left early. We couldn't stand it.

But atleast we managed to smuggle a couple of cans of good ole' Red Horse and the chicken barbeque was the SHIT!

And I have absolutely no idea what went on there. I just know that GOTT was declared the winner. Wasn't able to see them perform.

Stupid whiny writer.

And here I go again, contradicting myself.

It's a job, right? I should just go ahead and do it, weather be damned. But I can't. I wasn't prepared for the weather. Plus I was already feverish even before we left the house.

Another reason for my rant, no Louie Talan sighting. *sigh*

Well Boa and I made up for it by eating out at Mister Kebab yesterday afternoon for lunch. Special Chicken Chelo Kebab always hits the spot! And Potato Cutlet..Yum! (salivating right now.)

Then we bought lots and lots of dvd's at MCS (got myself a copy of The Nightmare Before Christmas and Like Water For Chocolate) and basically just vegged out all day. =p.

And yes, UST won again, for the 5th time at the UAAP Cheerdance Competish.

Galing! Go USTe!

Its Monday. I have a seven day shift coming up. And Boa will be away for the weekend. Boohoo.

But atleast I get to go home Sunday and Monday. =p.

One thing to look forward to.

Scattered Thoughts

I've been working at ASTII for half a year now. The longest I've had in a company.

The company is in the process of being stabilized right now and it is nowhere near stability.

Chaos is more like it.

Some people are hungry for promotion and innocent people (like moi!) are being dragged in the middle of it.

I decided to give myself atleast a year in this company. Then I'll take it from there.

- - -

Muziklaban's coming up. Wala lang.

- - -

I like it when he inhales the top of my head after hugging me tight.

I'm Only Happy When It Rains (garbage)

I'm only happy when it rains
I'm only happy when it's complicated
And though I know you can't appreciate it
I'm only happy when it rains
You know I love it when the news is bad
And why it feels so good to feel so sad
I'm only happy when it rains

Pour your misery down, pour your misery down on me
Pour your misery down, pour your misery down on me

I'm only happy when it rains
I feel good when things are going wrong
I only listen to the sad sad songs
I'm only happy when it rains

I only smile in the dark
My only comfort is the night gone black
I didn't accidentally tell you that
I'm only happy when it rains
You'll get the message by the time I'm through
When I complain about me and you
I'm only happy when it rains

Pour your misery down,
(pour your misery down on me)
Pour your misery down,
(pour your misery down on me)
Pour your misery down,
(pour your misery down on me)
Pour your misery down,
(pour your misery down on me)
Pour your misery down
You can keep me company as long as you don't care

I'm only happy when it rains
You wanna hear about my new obsession
I'm riding high upon a deep depression
I'm only happy when it rains

(Pour some misery down on me)
I'm only happy when it rains
(Pour some misery down on me)
I'm only happy when it rains
(Pour some misery down on me)
I'm only happy when it rains
(Pour some misery down on me)
I'm only happy when it rains

(Pour some misery down on me)
(Pour some misery down on me)
(Pour some misery down on me)
(Pour some misery down on me)

I'm only happy when it rains
(Pour some misery down on me)
I'm only happy when it rains
(Pour some misery down on me)
I'm only happy when it rains
(Pour some misery down on me)

- - -

This is too much. I depend on you on one thing: just to be with me when most people around me are against me right now and you've turn against me as well.

And for what? One dumb, measly joke? Sheesh.

Everything's going so well.

And then I got my wish again.

And just about now I am mentally kicking myself for being myself.

Hey, gran ma.

I'm coming home.

The One Where Joe Moved Out

Wala lang. Ang sad. Joedude roomed with me for the last 5 months and it was a blast. It was nice pouring out my girl shit troubles and hearing a sane guy's point of view. What I'll miss most about having Joe as my roommate:

• our impromptu singing-at-the-top-of-our-lungs sessions. (usually done if we want to fall asleep)
• pigging out on something that I cooked rather horribly
• watching lotsa DVD, especially Friends.
• listening and singing "OO" by UpDharmaDown, and most of all,
• just plain hanging out and talking. And having someone to cry on when I'm out-psychoing myself.

Yep, Joe is just one cool dude. I actually cried when he left. I'm gonna miss the big slug.

And to answer everybody's question: Nope, Boa's not moving in.

I'm happy the way things are.

So this is how Monica felt when Rachel left the aprtment.

I Love Nuno Bettencourt!

I know I just had my hair cut but after watching Guitar Wars over at Monyat's last Saturday, I am absolutely dying to copy his hair. Watcha think? (for those who don't know him, he used to play guitars for Extreme. Yeah, that band that sang 'More Than Words').

Why oh why I didn't go with my brother last year when he went to the "Meet and Greet Nuno Bettencourt" last year?! >.<

- - -

MORE THAN WORDS


Saying I love you is
Not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say but if you only knew
How easy
It would be to show me how you feel



More than words is all you have to do
To make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say
That you love me 'cause
I'd already know


{Refrain}
What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you



Now that I've tried to
Talk to you and make you understand
All that you have to do is
Close your eyes and just reach out your hands
And touch me
Hold me close don't ever let me go

More than words
Is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn't have to say
That you love me
'Cause I'd already know

Bug Off!

I just want to to work peacefully. I'm only doing what I've been told. If you have issue with other people in the office, don't drag me in it.

Para Kay Brutal Grace

Tango

I don't even know how to begin writing this. I'm exhausted enough as it is. I should be sleeping just about now but instead I'm still here at the office.

I like him. I really do. Sometimes I even feel like I love him.

but

I realize I could still like other people too.

When I asked him if he is also seeing someone else, I was hoping for an absolution.

Or an excuse.

And sometimes, the answer that I'm hoping for is what I don't get.

A. A.

Yeah, I know after that disgusting episode at Monyat's that happened quite recently, I made a vow to stay away from alcohol for awhile and 1 week after I'm back chugging down Red Horse and GSM blue.

What the hell's wrong with me?

Do I need to enroll myself to AA?

Btw, that was last Friday, over at Monyat's (again), but this time with JoeDude. That is one talkative drunk Ilokano.

- - -

Haay. Somewhat pissed because the new account's opening has been pushed back for another week so I'm still frigging selling diabetic stuff to old people, and well, it's getting old. Kakatamad pumasok. I was absent last Friday, btw. Ulcer attacks.

Motti's birthday was celebrated last Saturday. Went home and brought Boa with me.

He already met three of my brothers. And some other relatives who were there. Wala lang. Hehe.

Abswelto din ako sa pagka-sira ng PC namin. Talaga pa lang sira na siya. Whew. Kinabahan ako. Hehe.

Kakatuwa, kinakausap naman ng kapatid ko si Boa. OKay lang naman. Medyo malakas na rin siya sa nanay ko dahil ipinagluto siya ng pata tim, may take home pa. Okay lang din siya sa mga tia at tito ko, tapos naka-bond niya rin ang mga pinsan ko. =p. Kakapagod kaya tulog agad kame pagka-uwi. Masaya din ang gising namin. (wink!).
- - -

Wala ako sa mood. May psycho dito sa office. And whatever that I'm feeling for THAT person...good luck na lang sa'kin.

Shet. Ang Hirap Bumenta.

at dahil diyan...magsasagot na lang ako ng meme.


three names you go by:
1. chel
2. chelli vanelli
3. cheloi

three screen names you have had:
1. evil_pig
2. chel_p3
3. the flaming peach!!!

three physical things you like about yourself:
1. chinky eyes that disappears when i smile
2. muscular legs. hehe. (okay lang daw, sabi ng baby ko kase soccer player ako)
3. my eyebrows. i dont need to pluck 'em.

three physical things you don't like about yourself:
1. my skin is very oily so i'm more prone to breakouts
2. i hate my upper arms. but it still won't stop me from wearing tank tops.
3. my fats are unevenly distributed.

three parts of your heritage:
1. my cleft chin. inherited from my ma's side
2. i am small like my lolo kulas.
3. i'm bisexual. from ma's side. it runs in the family, oh yes it does.

three things that scare you:
1. there's an apparition i've been seeing in my current office.
2. lizards. why won't they all die?
3. losing my ability to write

three of your everyday essentials:
1. cell phone.
2. my music
3. pc

three of your favorite musical artists as of now:
1. UpDharmaDown. Patuloy akong papaiyakin ng "OO."
2. Urbandub. Wala akong pakialam kung emo siya sa tingin ng iba.
3. Sugarfree.

three of your favorite songs:
1. A Sorta Fairy Tale (Tori Amos)...when trying to bounce back from a one nighter.
2. Oo (UpDharmaDown)...basta.
3. Crystal (Stevie Nicks)...pag inlove

three things you want in a relationship:
1. erotically stimulating. hehe. really.
2. spiritually uplifting
3. intellectually satisfying

three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to you:
1. gusto ko yung mapapa-sign of the cross yung nanay ko pag nakita siya. hehe.
2. magandang haircut.
3. makinis na siko.

three of your favorite hobbies:
1. videoke
2. food tripping and discovering new places to eat
3. Sims2. Nerd.

three things you want to do really badly now:
1. eat PASTA.
2. finish all my deadlines para wala nakong problema
3. mag Sims2 ng buong maghapon.

three careers you're considering/you've considered:
1. go back to teaching
2. pornographer-photographer.
3. professional traveller

three places you want to go on vacation:
1. New York ng makapag Sex and the City dun.
2. Paris. 'nuff said.
3. Hongkong Disneyland with my bebi.

three kid's names you like:
1. Wolfgang
2. Guinevere. (hehe, puta-puta ang anak ko)
3. Alyssa

three things you want to do before you die:
1. write and publish a book
2. go to New Zealand
3. work in a cruise ship

three ways that you are stereotypically a boy:
1. medyo techie ako.
2. no fuss ako when it comes to fAShion and kikay stuff
3. cowboy. walang arte.

three ways that you are stereotypically a girl:
1. sobrang sensitive
2. OC
3. i need my girlfriends to cry on.

three celeb crushes:
1. jude law
2. louie talan
3. laetitia casta

three people that i would like to see take this quiz:
1. jhamie
2. karen
3. toni-banana.

Cravings

I WANT TO EAT AT AMICI DE DON BOSCO.

I'LL EAT THEIR 4 FORMAGGIO PIZZA AND LOBSTER LINGUINE AND I'LL HAVE THE VANILLA GELLATO WITH NUTS FOR DESSERT.

IF I DON'T I WILL SELF DESTRUCT.

Location: Arnaiz Ave. cor C. Roces Ave (Pasong Tamo Ext.), Makati
893-8915
10am-9pm Mon-Sat

Reviews:

• Desserts Comes First
• Foodies (Sunday Inquirer)
• Our Awesome Planet

Bangag to the nth Degree

Oh god, Oh god. One of these days I'll be receiving a text message or a phone call from my brother. I messed up his PC.

Crap.

I hope he'd be able to fix it without replacing anything. Otherwise there'd be another trip to the poorhouse for me.

I had the best intention when I went home Saturday. I was planning on finishing my deadlines which had really piled up.

But then there was the lure of Sims 2.

Stupid, addicting game.

Before I knew it, the pc crashed and it won't restart anymore.

Holy crap, my brothers would crucify me for this.

I can already hear, "wala ka na nagang kino-contribute dito...magsisira ka pa."

Buti na lang hindi kame nag-abot nung umaga naku kung hindi, giyera yun.

Anyway, I still have my deadlines to finish. I've no choice but to finish them all using the pc's available in my office.

. . .

My stomach is very, very queasy.

Bwisit. In all the years since I've started drinking last night was the first time that I ever threw up.

Whew.

To sum it up, I did a 'Raggy' over at Monyat's.

Stupid Grand Matador and GSM blue and Tortillos.

Atleast I still had the decency to clean up my mess even if I was so whacked. Hehe, OC talaga.

No carpets to scrub this time.

Literally crawling up the stairs.

Napagalitan pako ni Boa.

Thank god for Lucky Me Lomi.

It was only the two of us, Monyat and I.

At least we got to finish the year-old bottle of Gran Ma...it didn't live long enough to witness another birthday of Joi's. Hehe.

But ooh, the price we had to pay.

Monyat and Pong fought. I told her to sleep on it.

My stomach is having its own little Battle Royale inside me.

And did I mention that I still had to go to work?

. . .

Last Friday was fun.

Rockestra II was okay, despite the screaming, pimply, pre-pubescent sitting behind us. I was so ready to stab them with Jhamie's cutter. Napigilan lang ako.

Medyo bitin. Pero okay ang line up. The bomb ang UpDharmaDown at The Dawn. And surprisingly pati yung Hale at Itchyworms. Disappointed with Urbandub's set. I wish they included First of summer. Pero sige, keri. Panalo si Jon Santos aka Tita Midz. Hilarious. Pero patalo yung init. Sobra.

Kakaawa si Karen at ang sweetie pie ko (ick, can't pull that off, can i?).

. . .

Three hours to go.

. . .

Medyo may nagugustuhan ako sa office. Sana maudlot. Bad.

Much Has Been Said

you said that i was naive,and i thought that i was strong.

i thought, "hey, i can leave, i can leave."

oh but now i know that i was wrong, 'cause i missed you.

yeah, i missed you

you said, "i caught you 'cause i want you and one day i'll let you go."

"you try to give away a keeper, or keep me

'cause you know you're just scared to lose.

and you say, "stay."

I missed you.

No more psychotic attacks.

We'll start over.

One step. You said.

And we are.

Yeek.

I'm not gonna rant.

I'll just say this: same shit, different name. Men and their so-called pride.

There. Deep breaths.

- - -

Highlights of the MTV PIlipinas Awards:

• An awesome and kick-ass opening act from Kamikazee and PNE. Wala akong masabi kay Jay Contreras. Freakshow talaga! Imagine following up a split with another split? And Chito's yellow and white spartans? Anak ng...harharhar!
• There's the ultimate performance from UpDharmaDown who sang Maybe and Pag-Agos (good thing they didn't sing "OO" or I would've bawled my eyes out on the spot..hmm, I wonder what I will happen on Friday for the Rockestra. They'd be sure to perform OO)
• Urbandub brought down the house. I thought there was an earthquake. Ayos, pare.
• FrancismM presenting AND receiving the MTV Generation Award. His surprised reaction is just, just priceless. And then it was followed by a rousing performance of Dicta License. FrancisM can't help but join the revelry as they sang staple hits such as "Ito Ang Gusto Ko," "Mga Kababayan," and of course, "Kaleidoscope World" which garnered them a standing ovation. Man, even Jhamie was teary-eyed. That was a precious moment.
• JD Fortune of INXS taking of his shirt and revealing a very, hot bod. I didn't enjoy the press junket for the INXS earlier that morning. It was too stuffy and strict. But hell, he's so hot. What more can a girl could ask for?
• And the icing on the cake? Sandwich winning the Video of the Year seconds before they perform the closing act with Masilungan and Sugod. Maps voice was near breaking as she gave her thank you speech. Wow. Simply wow.
• There were some funny moments though..."Hindi ako poor!" (you might need to watch this for yourself when it airs on the 20th)

I was whooping and hollering the whole time.

I forgot that I am running on 0 hours of sleep.

If only I didn't have to work afterwards.

This was the most fun that I've had in awhile.

I think I deserve it.

*sigh*

Men are such neanderthals. I know its not the smartest thing to say right now but I'm so frigging pissed.

Yeah, you, Clod.

One Bright Spark

I received an excinting yesterday. My editor told me during the Protein Shake photoshoot yesterday afternoon. I will be interviewing IMAGO!!! Yay!

One of my favorite bands. Wow! Wow! I couldn't stop gushing with excitement!

Protein Shake is quite an intelligent group of people as well. I had a really fun time interviewing them.

So today I have three gigs to cover: the Callalily and Imago photoshoot in the afternoon and the Muziklaban elims at night.

Last night my editor texted that I can cover the INXS press junket on Monday. Nawala ang antok ng lola mo! Not that I like them. Pang-yabang lang. Hehe. People are already dying of envy.

Okay na rin. At least sumaya na ang linggo ko.

If only.

When Love Dies (Mila Reyes-Garcia)

When love dies

No one sends flowers

And little cards to lift

Crushed spirits up

No one offers mass

And nine-day prayers

For the battered heart to find

Its peace

No kind epitaphs

Nor eulogies singing praises

And no comes to do

Your wearisome chores for you

When love dies

You cry your cries

Alone.

(imagine, finding this poem lost between piles of mai's previous emails about Carlo.)

Two Trick Pony (Sandwich)

I want to move on
Not realizing I was moving too slow
Tried to hang on
But there was nothing left for me to hold

It’s such a shame that you can’t be with me tonight
I’m spinnin’ ’round in cycles
Hope you change your mind
Before the show is over
I look around, it’s you I thought I’d find

Been on standby
Not realizing I was waiting too long
Instant replay
But there was nothing I can do about it

Still in denial
I can’t believe that you can do this to me
No lights ahead
I’ve been looking forward but I could not see

I have been waiting for you all night
Under the glow of the satellite

- - -

After days of mourning and staring in space and being surrounded by people but still floating in isolation, I've finally come up with a resolution.

I think I'm ready to let go.

I can already smell it ending, and its breaking my heart.

If only I would know how to deal with missing him badly, then I would be okay then.

But yes, it would end. Soon.

And if he decides to walk away without looking back, then I would know that he's nothing special after all.

I can start putting my life back on track again.

And resume my so-called seven years of famine.

But my heart will heal. It has to.

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men

As per Mark "Raggy" Ragudo instructed me, here are the things that I should do to keep my sanity:

1. Play soccer again- Yep, I did play for my college way back, in uh, college and I haven't played in three years. I might've lose my touch (or kick) but as soon as I start training I daresay I can get back in shape again. I've started to contact old football buddies, and I'm planning to buy a pair of new cleats as soon as I get my money. Raggy said he'd even help join the People Support Soccer club. Hah. Cool.

2. Learn pottery- This one, I have to think about carefully yet. I'm not the artsy-fartsy type. That's my other brother's shtick, not mine.

3. Take up Boxing lessons- Now this I'm definitely planning to do. Will start scouting for gloves and stuff. Hoohah!

4. Volunteer to do good stuff at a non-profit organization- Will ocnsider this if its something to do with women and children.

I guess his bottom line is that I need to move. Not mope. I'd already moped for one whole day already.

Monyat, Joi, and Raggy had to babysat me throughout the whole ordeal. Heck my system is still running on alcohol I think.

I'm also sporting a bump on the forehead. Nasty accident with my nephew last Saturday.

Sugarfree rocks! Can't wait for their new album!

I love watching Sandwich's live performances. Sugaraims' kicks ass!


Love still sucks. Hitting rock bottom and 50 feet of crap.

Burnout (Sugarfree)

mahal ko na ang Sugarfree...


O, wag kang tumingin ng ganyan sa akin
'Wag mo akong kulitin, 'wag mo akong tanungin
Dahil katulad mo, ako rin ay nagbago
'Di na tayo tulad ng dati, kay bilis ng sandali


O, kay tagal din kitang minahal

Kung iisipin mo, 'di naman dati ganito
Teka muna, teka lang, kelan tayo nailang?
Kung iisipin mo, 'di naman dati ganito
Kay bilis kasi ng buhay, pati tayo natangay

O, kay tagal din kitang minahal

Tinatawag kita, sinusuyo kita
'Di mo man marinig, 'di mo man madama

O, kay tagal din kitang mamahalin

Spit. Lie.

You Will Hear Thunder (Anna Ahkmatova)

You will hear thunder and remember me,
And think: she wanted storms. The rim
Of the sky will be the colour of hard crimson,
And your heart, as it was then, will be on fire.

- - -


Never, ever lie to me.
Not when I have been good to you like this.
You don't know me. I can get vindictive.
I rammed my head into yours and I didn't feel a thing, right?
Don't ruin this.