Judgement

Measured

I hate ending the year with this sick feeling of guilt in the pit of my stomach.

I've expressed this sentiment exactly a year ago when I moved out of the house and left my mother back home with just my two brothers and a teenager cousin (also a boy).

An hour ago, before this shift started I called home to remind my mom that Boa and I will celebrate New Year's with them later and our surprisingly, our usually busy house was so quiet. It turns out that my brothers were out for the day and my cousin went to Bulacan for the New Year.

For some reason, when mom said that she's all alone, I was indignant and mad at my brothers for leaving her like that on New Year's Eve...which minutes later I realized is a projection of my own anger to myself for not being there to help her.

What kind of a daughter am I?

What am I doing wasting time away from my mother? Nobody's getting any younger. I should cherish every moment that I will spend with her.

I don't know if I should be thinking this with the New Year dawning soon..the guilt is just so much to take.

I wil make up for all those lost times...I will. (I actually started crying after writing this).